Category Archives: Crouch’s Chronicles

The Morning After the Night Before

I write this latest edition the day after the final game of the season against Glenrothes. Before I bring you up to speed with that I should start from where I left off as we were visited by West Lothian two weeks ago.

A ruthless display from the boys brushed aside West Lothian before 4pm which led to an early start in the bar and resulted in myself, Cash and G Davidson heading into town to sample the Festival areas. Tourists tend to say great things about Edinburgh and its people. These tourists must not have run into one Christopher Cash with 40 runs to his name.

Some very unwelcoming tongue was used, which I’m sure has led to many writing negative reviews about this great city on ‘tripadvisor’, all from the behavior of one young lad in his old man’s gear.

The night ended in a well known piano bar where the same gentleman in question decided to leave the boys without warning leaving Grant and I to see out the rest of the evening. A good night was still had by all involved.

The following week saw yet another poor display from the boys at the hands of Holy Cross. On the bright side, the early defeat allowed myself, Ashforth and Morton senior to witness Arsenal’s last gasp victory over Crystal Palace from the comfort of the Kilted Pig!

There was controversy during the week as I decided to give a wet looking training night a miss to play amateur football. Plenty of stick was given, yet as it turned out while I was hanging on the left hand side of a park at the Gyle, football was being played at Kirkhill also!

So we get to the final game of the season. The visitors Glenrothes coming to Kirkhill knowing a win would guarantee them the league title. Would it be that for the second year running a visiting side has left Kirkhill on the last day with the Trophy or would the home side spoil the party? The other questions to be answered were who was going to win the batting and bowling trophies for the club?

Through many a rain delay which could have ended the game by 1.30pm and handed the trophy to the visitors, the game did not end for another 7 hours. A dogged display from our lower order allowed us to post a competitive 162 and meant that Glenrothes would have to work hard to walk away with the title.

Zeeshan Khalil got us off to a great start picking up an early wicket and then another a few overs later, this spelled a collapse for the visitors to a point where they were 55-6. News had filtered through that Corstorphine were off so Glenrothes had to eclipse our total to take the honours. With the threat of rain the ‘cuik prevailed winning by 52 runs sparking massive celebrations and a rousing rendition of ‘oh the rookie cuikie’ in the home dressing room.

Post match also saw some of the boys join the latest craze by taking up the ‘Ice Bucket Challenge.’ Kris Steel did it in the male thong he had been wanting to wear back in post match dress code days circa 2005 – ‘Kris what should the dress code be this weekend?’’Womans underwear or male thongs.’

So next week is the club awards night where I think have pipped K Steel by a solitary run to the batting trophy with C Ashforth sneaking past Zeesh by a similar margin for the bowling trophy. A good day and night to be had at the club where progress has been made this year and will hopefully continue onto 2015.

Hope you’ve enjoyed the blog this summer, I might come out of hibernation to make a couple of cameo appearances over the winter months!



3 Men of Steel

Since my last edition the weather has taken a turn, with only one game in the last 4 going the full distance.
The first ended in a narrow defeat to Corstorphine on the ‘D/L but not D/L method.’ The second game only saw a very poor 9 overs from the boys at home to Grange. This result proved to be a stumbling block, not on the pitch, but off it as we had planned a team night post match. With the game being officially abandoned at 3 the question was – start now and not make it in to town or give it a while and be able to make it into town?

…the latter option was taken and a big night was had by all. The evening ended in similar fashion to other team nights out with Grant Davidson inviting the boys round as well as the ‘neighbours’ from downstairs. However there was a miscommunication as senior players K Steel and Taylor were sold a dummy by the youths and went to the Cash household at Fairmilehead, a long way from home!

Rumours are floating about that there was great debate between C Cash and the local Penicuik fillies about how to carry ones persona with comparisons being made to Jennifer Anniston. A special mention must be made to Grant as he has joined the good blokes in the club and found himself a young lady, the rest of the boys and most importantly his father, look forward to seeing her up at the club in the future.
The following week saw the boys at home to Edinburgh South which could prove pivotal in the outcome of the season. While the boys were scoring runs aplenty I was sunning myself in Tenerife, taking my 1 Saturday off for the season, and offering the boys a chance to provide competition for the batting trophy!
Using the powers of social media for score updates, when I heard that the boys had scored 262 I thought I could enjoy the rest of my afternoon. However whilst looking for the result I found that the visitors needed 5 an over with 5 wickets left in hand, step up Callum Steel who tore through their bottom order to seal the 20 points by 9 runs.

The headline ‘Men of Steel’ was used by the Sunday papers highlighting to personal bests by the Steel brothers, figures of 5-18 meant Callum will be the first recipient of a Penicuik ‘baggy’. Brother Kris scored his highest league score for the club with 94 joining myself in ‘jug avoidance’ club this season. This was not the only PB’s for the Steel family with Karen behind the bar reporting record sales of vodka nips from Steel senior, a proud weekend indeed for the Steel family.

Last weekend’s game against Carlton was rained out without a ball being bowled and only Chris Ashforth venturing out of his bed and attending Grange Loan.
This weekend sees the 1st XI welcoming West Lothian to Kirkhill which should prove to be an enjoyable occasion on and off the pitch.

The boys will be without the ‘Men of Steel’ for the game as they are both on lads holidays, Kris showing his lads holiday experience by only going for 1 week whilst brother Callum has made the bold move and gone for two weeks, time will tell regarding this decision.

The boys are looking to head to the Fringe this weekend to learn a bit of culture but Sean Taylor and James Scott have already ruled themselves out due to the £3.80 a pint price tab and the lack of available quizzes respectively. Looks like it could be down to the Edinburgh boys to represent the ‘cuik at the Fringe.


‘Top athletes deal with the crowd’

I must begin my third blog with an apology for being a week late. The reason this relates to results on the park which have led to off field antics being a lot more tame!

The last few weeks have seen poor defeats against Glenrothes and Freuchie however this weekend our form turned around with a win against Murrayfield DAFS in front of the ‘cuik faithful.

As was stated in my last post, the game against Glenrothes was streamed live across the globe via It was learning curve for myself as I managed to get in the bad books of not one, but both the umpires culminating in an interesting LBW decision. Unfortunately do not provide ‘Hawkeye’ technology so personal opinion on the decision is all that remains…

Our match against Freuchie saw one of the all time great misfields which will live long in the memory. This came from opening bowler James Scott who managed to dive over a ball which was barely moving and help it on its way for four! Fines aren’t taken during defeats but special dispensation was made by the fines committee towards this case.

A special mention must also be made to the Freuchie match which is comfortably in the lead for ‘Crouch’s Tea of the Year.’ A sensational spread was put on which may have been an explanation for the lackadaisical second half display! For any club who may unfortunately be reading this, a top level tea must comprise of a strong variety of hot and cold foods and must meet the simplicity needs of Calum Steel.

As has been already stated these defeats were followed by a solid performance against Murrayfield. A win by 94 runs would usually bring about a large amount of joy however vice captain Sean Taylor copped a bit of stick from the supporters who had spent a large amount of the time in the sunshine with beer in hand. All top level athletes deal with this kind of pressure, hence why Sean took an extreme huff to the comments that were being made and his chat and body language took a major blow while the rest of us were happy to have scooped a long awaited 20 points.

There was a surprise boost for the first XI prior to the Murrayfield game as it was heard that Chris Ashforth had decided to come home early from his lads holiday. Chris’ decision had nothing to do with events at Freuchie and were related to right arm overing his iPhone down the Malia strip, struggling to keep with the pace and general under the thumbness.

I must again apologise for the lack of interesting behaviour for this edition but hopefully our form on the pitch will continue when we play Corstorphine at Barnton which will hopefully allow the boys to let their hair down and produce blog-like behaviour!


Get out of jail free

It’s been 2 weeks since the pilot edition of ‘Crouch’s Chronicles’ was released. The feedback given to me was positive and most importantly nobody took the huff over issue 1!

My last issue ended with the 1st XI heading to Boghall with the view of maintaining their good form against West Lothian. The good form we had shown previously didn’t seem to make it out of Midlothian as we came up against a rampant West Lothian side who at one point had us 16-6 before we posted a modest 86. With rain in the air and news that games around the grounds were beginning to be called off for rain we were needing a bit of luck to ensure we got away without defeat. This proved to be the case as the game was abandoned with West Lothian 47-1, safe to say our ‘get out of jail free’ card for the season was well and truly played!

After the match myself and Kris Steel decided to stay behind and have an evening at Boghall with our opponents which we had stated to everyone was merely a business trip. Business was great….behind the Boghall bar as numerous drinks were consumed with some good banter in between. Although the game on the field was abandoned it was felt we should still play for the 20 points available, on the dartboard! Myself and Steel took on the Raven brothers and after some solid set up play by KM, Steel took out a vital double 16. This ensured we continued our unbeaten form however ESCA management felt that a dart at double 16 was not enough to overturn the decision made by the umpires a few hours earlier. 

So it was time to head back to Edinburgh with the view of kicking on into town. We were joined by a couple of our opponents in Edinburgh for a short while until one of them were politely ejected from a well known Edinburgh establishment for ‘resting’ on the bar. The evening ended up in the Shack and a fun night was had by all. I had a flashback a couple days later which had me thinking that fellow ‘cuik spinner Zeshan Mian was also present in the Shack. Kris was certain that these images of mine were false but it was not until we met the following Saturday that Zeesh was able to confirm that my flashbacks were indeed correct! 

It was claimed that Captain Foulds and Vice Captain Taylor were also out that night but I feel this is more porky pies from Mr Taylor as there is no way Fouldsy could have put up with his chat all night without somebody to palm him off to! 

The following week was the beginning of the 2014 FIFA World Cup and where every man and beast worldwide becomes the greatest football pundit. This is no different at Kirkhill with everyone having their say on the goings on in Brazil. Various bets have been placed with bookies and team mates and it remains to be seen who actually knows their football.

The following Saturday the 1st XI had a home game against Holy Cross. Upon news that he had been promoted up the order, Calum Steel decided to celebrate hard at his Penicuik High School Prom. The young lad look sharp in his suit which looked more suited to court dock as opposed to a lavish dinner hall.

We ended coming out second best to Holy Cross with the less said the better. The behaviour post match was much more mellow than the previous weekend!

This weekend sees the 1st XI head to Fife to take on league leaders Glenrothes. The game is due to be live streamed online by the Glenrothes sponsors. The Penicuik hairdressers have been coming under strain this week as the boys head in looking for their TV haircuts!

So will the form change for the 1st XI and replicate that of the 2nd XI who are 5 from 5?

Until then,


A new era

After a sterling job on the blog over the last two seasons Sean Taylor has stepped down after being offered a more powerful role by the club’s hierarchy. Like all good transitions Sean had a major part in appointing his successor and decided it was I he had most faith in to deliver that solid yet humorous blog…. Basically I was the one with the most time on their hands!

I am looking forward to providing you with stories of the boys from my perspective and I’ve decided to rename the blog ‘Crouch’s Chronicles.’

I feel it is fitting to begin with the winter months which brought an array of change in the club. After two seasons Kris Steel stepped down from his role as first XI captain to allow him more time to paint his garden fence. After debate with his fiancé Matthew Foulds was appointed as his successor with Sean Taylor invited to become vice captain after stating himself fully fit after a wrist injury which nobody has ever seemed to find out the cause of.

Other changes in personnel included a return to Kirkhill for myself after 3 seasons living the high life with the ‘townies’ at Goldenacre, and Chris Cash joining the club from Watsonians. A major factor behind Chris joining was his enjoyment of the ‘Cuik chat in the Myreside bothy which was something he was not getting any off in the Myreside dressing rooms!  Chris has been improving every week and has added to the club both on and off the park. As well as hoping to add the playing and social aspects of the team, the two of us have also made the 1st XI a much more photogenic side!

Our season began slowly with defeats to Freuchie and MDAFS before a more promising display against Grange II also ended in defeat. In amongst these games we had the small matter of the 50th birthday party for club legend Michael Yan Hip. This proved to be a most enjoyable yet eventful evening which included the Davidson brothers being declined entry to a nightclub for possessing their usual below average banter (finally somewhere saw sense!), and Kris Steel putting the top run scorer of the 2013 CSL premier in hospital after an over excited embrace!

Since these defeats things have brightened up for the boys with convincing victories against Edinburgh South and Carlton II. The win over Carlton II was a particular highlight for Kris Steel who had a successful day stating on social media that he was proud to ‘prove the doubters wrong.’ This status currently stands at 27 likes.

The victory over Carlton II also happened to take place on the biggest day of the year for the town, Gala Day. This resulted in a more raucous home support than usual with former hunter Camy Crawford leading the way with the chanting whilst being well backed up by a very red Ross Liddle.

The boys then went on to sample the sights of Gala day to celebrate their win, the single boys chasing a variety of tail, most coming back empty handed. New home owner Grant Davidson provided the after party which resulted in a number of events which are too outrageous even for the Penicuik Patter! Safe to say another party is not on the horizon!

A reason behind our recent success may be down to everyone now taking part in showers post match. Fines were originally in place for not showering as this resulted in poor body odour being spread around the club. The players have bought into this and we all seem to know each other much better than we did previously. Amazing what a quick shower can do…

This weekend sees us take the trip to Linlithgow to take on West Lothian where we will look to continue our good form on, and for some off, the pitch.

Until then,